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So, you wanna be a fag hag do you? Are you a fag hag in training? A fruit fly? Or are you just interested in jumping head on into the primordial ooze/bliss of fag hagdom? It’s a scary place and a path upon which one must proceed with caution. Fags can be such touchy bitches!

So, if you’re still keen there are few things you’ll need to learn. Being a card carrying member of the order for quite a few years now, I may just be able to help you out. If this doesn’t help then you may purchase my intensive training course for a nominal fee (Bottle of Shiraz). Just contact the publisher, or one of the writers, I’m sure they’ll help me drink it.

Gay men are, well, gay. Don’t invite your gay man to a great night out, and then take him to some homophobic pub in the burbs. Trust me, he may act the part for you, but he’ll detest every minute of it. And, unless, you are truly a wonderful friend, you will never see him again. Yes, I did this. I guess I was a good friend.

Do not be offended if your gay man insists on going over every detail of your wardrobe before you go out. This is important if you’re going to meet other gay men, and even more important if you’ll be seeing other fag hags. They are a competitive bunch. Beware!

When going out with your gay man, you will invariably find yourself surrounded by the most attractive specimens on the planet. Oh yeah! And some of them are shirtless! Yum! Just know you cannot turn them. They will not spontaneously turn to the dark side. Accept it. Unless they’re bi. Then you’re on your own.

Gay men like sex. They like to talk about it; some have a lot of sex. They can advise you about sex, and yeah, they’re probably better at it than you. Deal.

One word: Pride… If you don’t go, or attend at least one of the events associated with it, you are officially a non-member and cannot re-apply to become a member of the fag hag consortium. We’ll also take away your card.

This is a touchy point. Gay men are, after all, men. They may wander. It’s important to keep your fag occupied and interested. Those damn fruit flies are so tempting! Make it clear, that while he may occasionally seek other interests, you are his one and only fag hag.

You must attend at least one show with Margaret Cho.

Your gay man is always right. Don’t even argue this point. That’s just the way it is! Unless he’s wearing a pair of baggy jeans and an oversized top, because that’s just wrong.

I do hope this helps you in your endeavors. Just remember, gay men come in all flavours. So these rules may be totally useless to you.

What do you mean I wasted your time? Talk to the Hand Girl! Uh huh, you heard me! By the way, for added emphasis, you may want to use an exaggerated head motion from side to side if ever you use that phrase…Just a thought.