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Unfortunately there are some people in need of help in this area, either that or a personal shopper! I mean honestly. Do these people not have friends? Even a stylish gay friend or two? Or one they can borrow? What are they thinking?

Blue eye shadow. Unless your girl is Cher, Cyndi Lauper, Madonna, or even Cleopatra, she should back away from the heavy blue eye shadow. Yes, it was in ‘vogue’ for awhile. But unless you really have an affinity for the ‘I’ve just been punched in my face by my boyfriend’ look then why?

White short shorts. I do think these are cute. Maybe at the beach, or behind a motorcycle. These are great to look at the beginning of the night, but by the end of the night it’s a look that says, “I just shit my pants and I’m wearing a diaper’. Is this really the impression you want to leave...um...behind?

Too small. Why, oh why, do women wear clothes that are three sizes too small? You’re rubinesque and glorious! Yes, you’re a Goddess. Clothes should flatter, not reveal too much. And you have boobs! Use them! Just please don’t hit someone in the eye with them. A great cleavage is a women’s best weapon. Every man will want you…even the gay ones.

Mini-mini skirt. As for the skinny minnie’s (Must be equal opportunity here.), I hate you all! No, really I do. Is there a rule here? Hmm. be discreet. Any mini skirt you can’t bend over in is too short. Unless you are attending a catholic school dance. Punani is great, if you’re at Whisky-a-Go-Go. If not? A definite, what not to wear.

Heels. A woman’s passion. And definitely a thrill for the red-blooded male. But, if you can’t wear them, don’t. Please. I can’t, so I don’t. This should also be seriously evaluated if planning a night with alcohol. There’s nothing more fashionably awful than watching a beautiful woman stagger along looking like she has a watermelon up her ass.

Shirts. Now guys, what about you? Shirts should be worn buttoned. They should not be worn open to the waist. Otherwise, there would not be buttons at the bottom of the shirt. And the large chain dangling in front believe me does not emphasize your masculine physique. It rather gives off a 1970’s “Three’s Company” look. It’s wrong and keep your shirt on.
Jeans. Guys and skinny or baggy jeans. Let’s start with the skinny. Jeans shouldn't be tight enough to delineate your personal attributes. In some cases it may even be embarrassing. Baggy jeans. Why? If you need to hold them up as you go up the stairs I think you may need a belt or better yet get a new pair that fit! Personally, I and most of my female (and male) friends, like to see a shapely butt in a pair of ‘fitted’ jeans.

Smell. While not an item of clothing or make-up, it can be worn as a pervasive odour which serves only to distract the person with whom you are speaking, or dancing next to. This can be explored in two different categories: a). those who wear cologne/perfume and too damn much. b) Those who really need to observe daily hygiene.

Cologne/perfume should not emanate from a person like a noxious gas cloud, overpowering others in your wake, leaving them coughing and sputtering in the fumes that have managed to engulf them. They should entice and encourage others to get closer, not back away with eyes streaming.

Hygiene is quite important; after all, you will be dancing and sweating for hours. Before going out after work, a nice shower is in order. If planning on a trip to an after-hours and you know your body has a predisposition for scent, a change of shirt and some deodorant may be a good idea. In relation to this, you can also refer to #6 on the list. You know what I’m talking about.

So what is right and what is wrong? There really is no answer, just remember, clothes and make-up should emphasize the positive, not the negative. And if you see me out there breaking any of these rules, feel free to give me a tongue-lashing. Because that’s what good friends do.

On a side note: At a Halloween Mayhem event I was dressed quite suggestively in black vinyl. A girl in the bathroom asked what I was. I responded with a big smile,

She laughed, leaned in and whispered, “That is so funny. I am a hooker and I work near Harvey’s, no kidding”. And she winked and walked away. She was dressed as an angel. Now that is appropriate!